Congratulations Nairobi! We now have a new tourist attraction; Jam-Zilla. I call them jam-zillas due to their sheer size, amount of time spent on them, the amount of fuel spent on them and their ability to drive you crazy. Anything this ginormous and this monstrous deserves the -zilla ending on it. Traffic jams easily reach 10 kms stretches and do not move for more than 8 hours!
Nairobi, over the last few weeks now, has had abnormal rainfall. It's been pounding the city, exposing the poor drainage facilities that the city has, poor road infrastructure and sheer foolishness of some Kenyan drivers. I call it foolishness because I don't understand why anyone with a sound mind would block other motorists as soon as a few drops of rain hit their wind shields in a bid to get away. All of a sudden, they are in a hurry and must get wherever their going at all cost. With foolishness as their crowning glory, they quickly forget that their antics will get them into more trouble than when they initially even entertained the thought. Because no sooner have they veered off to overlap, than their fellow foolish drivers join the fiesta. But soon or later, some road users become chaotic and pap! Gridlocks. Well, some gridlocks have lasted 8 hours long.
Kenya's Traffic Police have had enough of our foolishness. They too have families to go to and would also want to get some rest. So if drivers decide to get themselves into a quagmire, the Police leave and go home. Until some wisdom checks in and the drivers decide to unlock the gridlocks, the Police is not bothered. And by the way I understand them. Kindergarten children are better organized than some of us on these roads. If you get the drift, I fully blame foolish drivers for the jam-zillas. Why do we drive in zig-zag lines when it rains? Can't we just stick to our lanes and that way, even if we slow down, we'll still get to our destinations without turning the roads to bedrooms.
On Saturday 19th Nov, 2011 at 7pm, I was caught up in a jam-zilla for 5 hours on Langata Road! In the 5 hours, we moved a distance of not more than a kilometer. I was tired, drowsy from the vehicles fumes. This was a true test on my patience. Im naturally not a very patient person in traffic jams but this one truly tested me. I have never been stuck this long before. In those hours that I sat there I made a few observations on how to prepare and survive Jam-Zillas;
a) Use the bathroom/toilet before getting into the car. I saw quite a number of people "watering the nation" shamelessly. But it wasn't their fault. When you gotta go, you gotta go :)
b) Avoid caffeine beverages or water before your travel time due to [a] above. However, carry some water, you might get very thirsty. But if you do drink, you might prepare to "water the nation" at some point.
c) Always have some snacks in the car, preferably dry snacks like nuts. You might be in the jam-zilla way past your dinner time.
d) Ensure your phone has enough airtime to not necessarily call and update your peeps on your whereabouts but more to browse the internet, and to update your Twitter and Facebook walls every five seconds! Still on mobile phones, always ensure it has full charge before hopping into your car. You don't want the battery dying on you.
e) Music/Radio: Ensure your car has quite some selection of music you can listen to for 8 hours straight. It is also a time to discover your favorite radio channels. And don't behave like my neighbor in the jam-zilla who changed his radio stations 9 times before switching it off! Make up your mind about what you want to listen to and better still keep your volume down to avoid waking up the surrounding drivers.
f) Go onto the roads when it is absolutely necessary! Gone are the days when you "take a ride" around the city.
g) If you have to get somewhere on time, leave yesterday, you might make it in 24 hours. That way you won't be stressing other drivers by honking your way through jam-zilla!
h) Switch off your headlights when your bonnet is on someone else's boot. It's very annoying when you have your lights at full and you are going no where.
i)Don't stop all pedestrians walking by asking them what's happening "huko mbele" [ahead]. You are making the rest of us nervous and my blood pressure needs to remain at manageable levels at this point it time.
j) Do not overlap and drive on curbs! Everyone around you is wondering what kind of fool you are, because 8 hours later, you will still be at the same spot.
k) Switch off your engines and stop feeding everyone with fumes from your exhaust pipe. It is going to be a long journey, so switch them off.
l) Always ensure your car is at full tank before driving off. And when your car stalls, be courteous enough and get it off the road. Stop pretending there is something wrong with it by putting hazard lights and opening the bonnets. Believe you me, we understand. So just drag it off road and search for fuel and let the other drivers glide on smoothly. Also carry fuel in the trunks for those moments when it might run out.
m) Always have a pillow, you never know when it might be time to catch some sleep in the car. Also start practising sleeping seated at home, it might come in handy.
n) Have toiletries and a change of clothes stocked in the car, you might be held up till the following morning, and your workplace might just be closer than home.
o) If you are in a bus/matatu, try opening windows once in a while. We are wondering why the windows have steam on them. I could draw a face on it.
p) Remember you might need to walk long distances, always have your walking shoes at a place you can reach.
q) Above all, when in Jam-Zilla pray that our city may unclog miraculously because we might see a lot of these many days to come. Take time to reflect on your life...LOL
r) Have Otieno-the Mechanic's number on speed dial. For some reason cars just stall on jam-zillas.
When I think of more tips, I shall let you know.
-dee
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